About 12 years ago I started dating a girl I had always been interested in. We had met 8 or 9 years previously and sort of fell out of touch until we crossed paths again. This story has little to do with her, except that she was a big sister with Big Brothers Big Sisters. She would always talk about things she and her little sister would do together. I admired this about her and I thought in my head, this is something I should do.
At the time, I don’t remember if this was something I felt compelled to do or I wanted to show her that I cared too, but I’m sure I felt both. Though, I know for sure that I felt that giving my time to mentor someone was the right thing to do. My main reservation is that I was shy, introverted, and a little socially awkward. I had the heart, but not the interpersonal skills to want to do it. But I pushed through my initial apprehension and contacted Big Brother and Big Sisters.
I met with them for an interview, they did a background check, and some time passed. By the time they got back to me with a match, I had broken up with the girl. By this time, I felt certain that mentoring was something I wanted to do, but it still gave me apprehension because of my anxiety of interacting with other people. I thought that is exactly why I should go ahead with it. So I met with the match they selected and his mother. Eric was a tall, gangly, sweet-natured 12 year old kid. So we all agreed it was a match and his mother gave me a copy of their insurance card. I guess this is protocol in case anything happens.
Every week from then on I would give Eric a call and set up a time to get together. It was pretty much always a week night that we’d go out. They encouraged us to do free things. I don’t remember the exact logic, but it makes sense. Maybe so it didn’t encourage the expectation of anything extravagant or it put more focus on time together. Whatever the reason, our time together usually involved something that didn’t involve spending no or little money. Sometimes a walk in the park or going to a bookstore. We went to an aquarium supply store to look at the colorful fish.
Sometimes we’d just talk. He would tell me about his life with his mom and what he planned to do when he grew up. We didn’t completely restrict our outing to free things. Occasionally, we would go to a movie or get a bite to eat. I remember Eric saying all the time how he didn’t get enough to eat at home, so I think I started to work food into our time together a bit more.
Because of who I was at the time, introverted and anxious, I didn’t necessarily enjoy this time. I felt like it was starting to drain me emotionally. So I started to dread having to make the call each week and meeting. Nearly a year after meeting, I started to make up excuses every other week why we couldn’t meet. I can’t remember the exact reasons, but they probably weren’t true and they could have possibly been very transparent, even to a twelve year old. I remember hearing the disappointment in Eric’s voice when I told him I couldn’t meet. Eventually my cancellations were getting so frequent we pretty much weren’t getting together anymore.
I started getting calls from someone at Big Brothers Big Sisters after about a month of not meeting. I answered the first couple of times giving the same lame excuses I had given to Eric. Then I stopped answering the calls all together. It’s strange that I could have let them know then that I couldn’t keep up with it right then. They would have accepted that and let Eric and his mother know that regrettably I was not able to meet anymore at that time. Even I could have told Eric that myself. But I didn’t take that route. I decided to ignore the problem. I guess because I was ashamed that I started to dread the time I spent with Eric. That a twelve year old kid could make me feel uncomfortable and anxious in my own skin.
Instead, I let him cycle through his mind why I wouldn’t call him or meet with him anymore. I always wonder what harm I may have caused considering his father left. Was I just another that left without a word? I could have made a difference, but I fear I just did the opposite. I’m not sure how things played out for Eric, so this could be all in my head. I hope things turned out great for Eric. There’s no reason to think they didn’t, but I still have the knowledge that anxiety and fear got the best of me and that I couldn’t rise above it and become what I needed to be for someone else. I’ve grown a lot in the time since, maybe more than I ever thought possible.
This is difficult for me to write or think about, because it is one of the greatest regrets I have and a source of shame. I still can’t excuse my cowardice in those days. The fear and anxiety I felt in those days is something I handle much better now. I know pain and discomfort is part of growth, so I don’t fear it as much and try to welcome it. Now I know that focusing on things outside myself and the well-being of others removes the selfish internalizing that is often the cause of so much anxiety. I know that meeting a challenge is far better than running from it.
Someday, I hope I can be in a position to mentor someone and be more helpful than I feel I was to Eric. I hope that I never let anyone down again, but I know that that’s not going to happen. In the least, I hope I never again let anyone down as much as I feel like I let down Eric.